Episode 6: When Your Team Goes Quiet

Every leader knows that silence in a meeting can speak volumes. When the team that once debated, brainstormed, and collaborated suddenly grows quiet, it’s not just a vibe shift. It’s a red flag. In this episode, I’m unpacking what that silence really means and how it often signals eroding trust between you and your team.

We’ll talk about how to recognize the early signs of disconnection, why teams withdraw when psychological safety slips, and what practical steps you can take to rebuild credibility and engagement. From small, consistent actions to the power of humility and clear direction, this episode gives you the tools to warm up a cold room and reconnect with your team before things spiral.

If you’ve been wondering, “Did I lose them?”, then this conversation is your playbook for getting them back.

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Transcript

Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of She Leads and Succeeds, a podcast that goes beyond surface level leadership chatter and focuses on real talk, real strategy, and most importantly, radical support. My name is LaToya Jordan, and I am thrilled to be back here with you all to cover another topic that I hope will help arm you as women executives to lead in the most effective and authentic way. I am excited today because we are coming back with yet another what I'm calling red flags that could help you kind of see the little pebble before it becomes a mountain in your leadership journey. And so today I thought I would bring a topic that I'll be honest with you, comes up quite a bit with my coaching clients and one that I'm surprised at because I know that this is something that is talked about a lot. But I think that leaders just don't see it for what it is as it's starting to percolate. So today's topic is around this notion of rebuilding trust as a leader. What happens when things get really quiet around you and you don't realize that it is actually trust having been eroded or just some fears percolating with your team that is causing them to kind of distance themselves or quiet themselves around you. That is a red flag, y'all, and I want to unpack it, dig into it, and offer you some tools to get through it. Okay, so let me set the stage. you know that moment when you just start to feel like the vibe has shifted in a meeting you're used to walking in and there's like you know this great chatter and levity and you bring up ideas and you know it's it's met with rigorous debate and fodder and you're just just energy it's energy But then all of a sudden, you notice that the team that used to engage in regular discussions and debated are now giving you more silence than you're used to. The energy's off. And when you look around, you notice that people are actually checked out, maybe even resisting the opportunity to engage or just even resisting you in general. And quite frankly, it feels cold in spaces that you move relative to your team. You start to wonder, did I lose them? Like what, what is, what's happened? Let me tell you, it's a red flag. And the truth is that you are close to losing them because you are, you are losing their trust in you. And that's one of the signs that trust is starting to erode when folks get quiet, when folks start to nod in agreement. But you know that back, you know, maybe a couple of months ago, this would have been an opportunity for great debate and conversation. Now things are quiet. Maybe you don't remember what happened, what actually caused the chasm, but that coldness, that quietness is a sign. It is a flag that you need to pay attention to while it is a pebble. Right? Because if you don't, it most certainly will get bigger. It most certainly will cause them to smile and nod in front of you, but you pretty much lost the team in real life, as folks say. So the real question becomes not, hey, what happened or how did I lose them? The real question becomes, how do I rebuild that trust and credibility as soon as you realize that it's happening? because you've, you know, it's already happened. When you start seeing those signs, you may be able to ask a couple of questions to folks on the team that you feel like may give you a real honest answer. But what I often tell coaching clients is if you're already feeling these things, you're already experiencing these things, let's just assume that that's what's going on and let's move quickly to rebuilding the trust and credibility that you need to lead a team effectively. And so that is what I'm gonna offer you today are just a few tips and things for you to consider in order to rebuild that trust and get back on the right page with your team. Okay, so the first tip or tool that I wanna offer you that often offered clients that I work with and they've experienced this kind of like whiplash of like, wait, they're different. Like something's wrong in my meetings now. And when we talk about it, one of the things that I immediately will give them as a point to consider is think of that silence or that resistance as data, right? That is a data point, but it's not a failure. It is something that has led the team to mistrust you or feel like your credibility is a bit off. Not like you failed. Perhaps how you went about something was not the right way for this group and you will need to course correct. But I don't want this to be this thing that you then spiral out of control around. It's a data point. It's a piece of communication or a way that your team is communicating to you that they didn't like something and that has led to maybe they didn't like something or some things that you've done or that the organization has done and you are proxy to those organizations, organizational decisions. But don't read this as a failure of yourself more than it is. very useful data point that you now have that the team has communicated to you that something is off. And in doing so, don't assume the worst about it. Get curious about it, right? Like I mentioned earlier, maybe talk to a couple of people that you know that will give you the truth of like what's going on or what, you know, ask them a couple of questions that is grounded in curiosity, not in defensiveness. And let that be your guide of like, oh, okay, I see what happened. I had to make that quick budget decision. Folks really wanted us to go this way and I wasn't able to, but I didn't communicate that well enough. Got it. I know how to move differently next time, right? So use this moment, this moment, this red flag and quite frankly this thing that's probably happening in your body where you feel that tension when you're interacting with them use this as a as a moment of they're communicating something to me let me listen let me get curious about what they're what they're trying to communicate to me so that I can course correct boom right and in doing so know that this withdrawal It's their way of trying to tell you something. It's their way of waving the flag, the red flag. It's that way of saying, we're not happy with how this was handled, but they're choosing to do so in silence. It's kind of like they say, no response is a response. This is kind of an example of that. And often know that there's some research that shows that teams often will withdraw from their leader when they don't feel safe to speak openly. So maybe part of why they've gotten silent is that maybe they did say a couple of things and your response, for whatever the reason, was one that made them feel like, okay, it's not safe to speak. So, huh, get curious about that. Is that what happened? Let me replay a couple of things. Oh, I can see how they thought that. I can see how they experienced that with me. I was trying to make a quick decision. I had to cut the conversation short, but in doing so, I could see how that led to them not feeling like it was safe to speak up. So let me create space. If something like that comes up again, let me make sure I create space in order to allow them to express themselves. Okay. It really, though, is important to know that if you do experience silence, if you do experience this resistance or tension or the cold shoulder, don't see it as the end of your leadership or your ability to lead. It really simply is a signal that you need to kind of listen to yourself. get curious about, and then move forward. Make the adjustments that you need to make and move forward as a leader. But don't let that silence or that quiet from your team break you. Instead, let it teach you something. Let it expose something to you that you may not have known otherwise if you kind of did not pay attention to that signal or to that red flag. Okay, so now you've gotten clear on the fact that one that silence is a thing It is a red flag and you've got a little curious about what's going on. What's underneath the silence, right? You've used it as data and you have interrogated enough to just get a sense of where where things went wrong The next step I would recommend is to now work consistently on rebuilding that credibility through small actions. And what I mean by that is like, you know, trust, you don't regain trust with a speech or with some amazing communication campaign, you know, relative to the work or some big all hands event where you make these big grand gestures and commitments. That is not how trust is rebuilt. Instead, it's rebuilt through these micro moments where you're showing that you are reliable and that you will hold yourself accountable for what you're committing to do. And I think that's where a lot of leaders, they get all twisted because they're trying to do these big things to like, oh man, I messed up big. Let me show up big. And instead, honestly, they're just looking for you to be consistent. They're just looking for you to match your words with your actions on a consistent basis. And that is often what is missed. And so what I always tell my clients when this has happened is show up consistently and follow through with these small promises that you make and make them. It's kind of like, you know, atomic habit. Make small habits and let them stack versus stack. I'm going to go on a diet and I'm not eating, you know, carbs forever. You might not be able to commit to that because, you know, your birthday is next week and you know it's going to come with a cake. But you can commit to, I'm going to have one less carb every day. I'm going to just have, every day I'm going to just make sure I eat. If I was going to eat a carb for each meal, I'm going to only eat a carb for two out of the three meals. That's kind of how you have to show up as a leader. Like, okay, I'm not going to say that I'm always going to include you in every budget meeting that has to happen. And I'm going to always take all of your input in before I make the budget decisions. Because that's probably not realistic. And as soon as you don't do that, there goes the trust mountain that just crumbles right in front of you again. Instead say, Hey, I know I'm not able to get input from everyone on this, but what I will commit to do is X. I will commit to checking with any team that I know for sure is going to be impacted by, you know, the next budget season. I'll be sure to check in with that manager or that leader of that team. just to make sure and to run things by them. That I can commit to do. Something that is small and realistic for you to actually do. that you can actually follow through on. That is what I would recommend. And do that with small gesture ways. Try not to be grand about any of this. Just in case you need to make some adjustments, everyone's not like, oh, remember when we had that big all hands, you know, quarter two? And now look at you. You know, just kind of Play it small while you get your sea legs, right? You don't need to tell everyone that you are ridding yourself of carbs one day a week, you know, for everyone to be like watching you and waiting. No, just, you know, tell the people who need to know. commit to it and be consistent. Check in with them. Be accountable when you mess up. Like, oh man, I know I was only supposed to eat two carbs, but did y'all see that bagel? Oh my goodness. I had to have it. It was a rainbow bagel. You know, whatever the case is, own the mistakes. If you make it, be transparent about it and then get right back on the horse and be commit to those small habits again the next day, right? That is a way for you to build that trust back. It is through those types of consistent, repeatable behaviors that people will start to expect from you and trust that you will follow through on on a regular basis. So there's obviously research on this relative to how trust is built. I know one of my sheroes, Brene Brown, has a whole framework related to rebuilding trust and the value of small repeatable behaviors. And so this is something that we know works from a science perspective. So I don't know where it comes from that leaders should make these, do these large tours where they go around doing these huge mea culpa's to build trust and all that. I don't know where they got that from because everything that I've read and all the science that I've experienced even for myself as an executive and the way in which I work with my leaders that I coach, I know that this works. Small, repeatable behaviors where you acknowledge if you make a mistake even and hold yourself accountable to these behaviors, that those are the things that work. Those are things that rebuild trust. Those are things that create the credibility that you need to lead a team. Okay. So with those two tools under your belt and helping you to rebuild trust, I think you're on your way. And honestly, I think many leaders will do those things, right? Get the spidey senses, figure out what was going on, how, how we got here and then start to make efforts and strides to change your behavior so that they can trust you again. But I would say that one of the most, I would even argue the most important thing that you can do as a leader if you see trust eroding is to show up both with humility and direction. And by that, I mean this. Listen, you know what? I messed up. I see where I where I went left, where I should have gone right. I own that part. And here's what I'm gonna do going forward. That level of humility, I own it. And direction, here's what I'm gonna do going forward, to me is the secret sauce of getting trust back. And when you do that and you couple it with what I just said earlier, which is these small habits to show that, yep, I am doing what I said I'm gonna do, man, the team is like, "Oh, okay, all right, I see, I see it. "This is what they said they're gonna do "and they're following it up with action." That to me is like the secret recipe of rebuilding trust with your team. So try your best to not try to fake it till you make it and avoid like, "Oh, nothing's wrong, I don't see anything wrong. "No one's being silent, everyone's, "my team is fine, everyone's normal." No, no, no. Because if you don't, it's going to just make it worse. When teams know that there's something wrong with our group, that we're going through a thing. And so if the leader is walking around acting like nothing is wrong, that actually makes it worse. And they feel like they trust you even less. It's like, dang, she can't even be honest in this moment. She knows that we're not the same. She knows that we're not answering her questions the way we used to. But she's walking around here acting like everything is normal. I'm telling you what I know for sure that makes it worse. So own it, be humble about it and express what you are experiencing. That is a sign of leadership. Being vulnerable is a sign of leadership. I don't know where we got this notion that everything has to be perfect and we have to have this veneer on us that nothing is wrong. When in fact, when our team sees us as human, Sees us as acknowledging things. Sees us as like, oh, actually, I don't know everything. And oh, I messed up. That's when they trust us more because they're like, oh, okay, I can trust her because she's honest. And that goes such a long way. So those are signals for them to one, understand your humanity and two, to respect your leadership. So you have to bring both of those to the table in order to build, rebuild trust. And you want to do that by really balancing empathy, right? I'm wrong or I'm sorry, you know, I see where I went left or whatever with some level of structure, right? Like you want to acknowledge the issue and the pain point, but you don't want to live there. You want to move swiftly to here next steps. Here's how we're going to mitigate this. Because if not, then it's like, you know, it goes too, too far in the what was me space. And that's not cute either. So you kind of got to find that sweet spot and balance, you know, hey, I empathize and I understand and I respect where I went wrong. And here's how I plan on making some adjustments. Remember that the reconnection isn't just about you. It's about recentering them. And that's why I'm encouraging you to not go too far on the what was me track, but kind of keep it where there's a proper balance and they as a team is re-centered. If you ever want to kind of go deep and down, this is one of my favorite topics. And I talk quite a bit about this when I facilitate sessions. And even when I teach my class at Columbia and we talk about psychological safety, one of the areas that I really spend time on is this notion of leaders acknowledging fallibility, the way that Amy Edmondson, you know, spells out in kind of her psychological safety framework, because we've lost that I don't know if we lost it or if we've never been taught it as leaders, we've lost the willingness to show up as fallible. We've lost the willingness to say, my bad, I messed up. I don't know how to do something. I thought this was the right way, but it doesn't seem to be working. It's like our ego says we have to show up in this particular kind of perfected way. And I'm telling you right now, ain't nobody buying it. And when your team is frustrated and your trust has eroded, that's the last thing they want to experience in you is ego. Instead, they want to experience vulnerability. They want to experience you being fallible. They want to experience you being willing to learn. That is what is going to help your team be stronger and help to rebuild the credibility that you likely had at the outset. So I would encourage you to move away from this notion of being flawless and instead move into a space of being real, being clear, and being action-oriented and fixing the trust that has eroded on your team. Own what's yours, show the way forward, and keep showing up consistently. That's how you warm that cold room back up. Without it, y'all gonna stay cold and they're gonna freeze you out. And in doing so, you will not only lose the team, but you may even lose your leadership role. So we're not going to have that. We're going to see this as a red flag. We're going to make some adjustments early and often. We're going to use the steps that I've encouraged you and called out here on this podcast. And we're going to right that ship and get back to a warm, vibrant, vibrant team that is engaged with you, ready to follow you and move this work forward. So I hope you found those resources and tips helpful. If this in fact is a red flag for you. And listen, if it's not a red flag for you now, fabulous. Just put these tools in your toolkit for future reference if in fact you ever need it. Or if this is not a red flag for you, but you know a colleague or a friend that you're like, oh, this sounds like what she's going through. Please share this podcast with her to help her to get these tools in her toolkit and quickly make some of the adjustments she needs to make to warm her team back up. As always, I'm so grateful that you tuned in. Spent some time with us today. You learned some, hopefully some things that you find useful in your leadership practices. Please stay connected with us by all means. Join us on LinkedIn, follow us. If you have questions, Please feel free to DM us on LinkedIn. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to do a Q&A podcast in a future episode where I'll answer a question that you have live. So send us your questions. And don't worry if you didn't catch all of this. Everything will be in the show notes down below. And so please, by all means, stay in community with us. Stay in community with other women executives so that we can move through this together. Thank you so, so much for joining me on this episode and I'll catch you next time. Bye now.